This was indeed an exciting week for Forest Service lands employees across this Nation! Just look at the faces of the South Zone Land Adjustment team nestled with our Appraisers, a few surveyors and other Southern California Forest Service Lands Officers.
What was so exciting you ask? We have all been waiting to find out if the reauthorization of PL 106-393 was included in the President’s 2007 Budget Proposal. The budget contains a unique proposed funding method, which would offset $800 million of the cost of reauthorizing the bill. The Budget includes funding for a five-year extension of an “amended” Secure Rural Schools and Community Self Determination Act.
The Presiden’ts 2007 Budget would provide payments by offsetting costs to the Treasury through the sale of National Forest land parcels that “meet criteria in existing forest plans as suitable for sale because they are isolated or inefficient to manage.”
The sale and resulting local development of excess lands could increase state and county tax bases, stimulate development of local parks and other public and private uses. The sale of isolated and inefficient to manage lands would also “free up USFS resources that could be more effectively focused on higher priority lands.”
“The revenues from the sale of these lands are an offset; there will be no net gain or loss to treasury as a result of this proposal.” The list includes 2930 parcels in 34 States. Total of 309,000+ acres in the initial list. The sense is that it will not take all 309,000 acres to fund the proposed $800 million needed, rather somewhere between 150,000 and 200,000 acres.
There is a clear prominent theme; “there will be no net loss in NFS acreage as a result of this proposal, and there will be no net gain or loss to treasury as a result of this proposal.”
Take a moment to think outside the Forest boundary. I offer “Cindy’s One Dozen Additional Ways to Support the Secure Rural Schools Reauthorization (SRSR).” Here is my contribution of additional ideas on how to provide payments while offsetting costs to the Treasury.
1. Sell the rights to SPAM National Forest Employees. This would only take a small adjustment in our Information Management filters to allow specific, (aka, paying) vendors to send emails to employees soliciting everything from sports clothing, to financial services, mortgages, and the enlargement of personal body parts. This could also be combined with modifications to the federal health insurance program by incorporating the sale of certain drugs over the internet. The revenue from the sale of spam would be an offset and it could improve the virility of National Forest employees. Everyone benefits!
2. Employees are an untapped resource of funds. There could be a tax placed on employee’s travel vouchers. Employees would fill out their travel voucher as usual, only 5 to 8 % could be returned to support the Secure Rural Schools Reauthorization. The government would have no change in travel expenses and funds could be directly deposited into the job codes for SRSR.
3. Market the sale of Forest Service decisions. This is where eBay could help generate big bucks! When we are facing a major NEPA decision, like a Forest Plan revision, or Wilderness Plan, we could auction off various ’sub-decisions’ that could be awarded and combined into the Final Plan. Bidders could be creatively pitted against each other. One bid item could be “Allow pack stock in the Wilderness” and another bid could be to “Protect Water Quality in the Wilderness.” Both high bidders could be awarded and the resulting plan wouldn’t be any more confusing or contradictory from the current process. We would collect money on our ambiguity and there will be no net loss in NFS acreage as a result of this proposal! And those messy FERC license conditions could be simplified as well as revenue generating. The higher your bid, the lower the instream flow requirement. I see money flowing!
4. Allow employees to access (for a fee) pornographic websites at work. The Forest Service could collect a fee from employees before they access pornographic websites. This could also be combined with idea #1 and a special icon could be placed on each employee’s desktop. We would also create a whole new meaning to emailing your “T and A.”
5. Sell employee’s identities. Do you know how much money could be sucked from employees by selling the FS mailing list? There are also all those Social Security numbers and just think of the possibilities if combined with idea #1 and idea #4. Again, there will be no net gain or loss to treasury as a result of this proposal, and staggering amounts of money to support the Secure Rural Schools Reauthorization.
6. Sell the rights to make, market and promote a Forest Service reality TV show. Forest Service Line Officers, and colorful Forest Staff officers could be placed in compromising “reality” situations. Titles could include “Ranger 911″ “Wilderness Ranger Survivor,” “Forest Makeover,” and “Forest Plan – Designed to Sell” the hit show where NEPA nerds are pitted against Line Officers and Biologists to ‘design’ a forest management scenario that would pass public scrutiny and the dreaded legal appeal rights. Drama sells, and goodness knows, we know drama! Or was that dogma?
7. The lunchroom could include a cigarette machine and a vending machine that sells alcohol. Employees, visitors and anyone off the street could know that the Forest Service is a great place to pick up a 12 pack at low low prices! The funds generated would support the Secure Rural Schools Reauthorization and the revenues from the sale of alcohol would be an offset; there will be no net gain or loss to treasury as a result of this proposal. We’d all be smiling. We wouldn’t know why. It wouldn’t do much for caring for the land, but it sure would be serving people.
8. The Forest Service could have a REAL use or lose leave program. Congress could reduce the number of Annual Leave hours that could be carried over annually and what ever you lose would support the Secure Rural Schools Reauthorization. If the limit were somewhere around one week of leave, there could be a regular flow of annual funds generated indefinitely.
9. Initiate the “Logo Program.” There are literally an infinite number of logo opportunities. Uniforms, vehicles, Visitor Centers, websites, brochures, all have the opportunity for “Your Name Here.” Geographic locations could be renamed based on sponsorships and even the names of Forest could be sponsored. Imagine working for the “Exxon National Forest,” visitors could hike to “Pepsi Point,” “The In and Out River” and marvel at “The Green Burito Canyon.” What better than “The Savemart Wilderness Area?” Revenues from the sale of sponsorships would be an offset and there would be no net gain or loss to treasury as a result of this proposal.
10. The Forest could take bets and allow gambling on the outcome of environmental impacts. Concerned that increased commercialism could impact environmental quality – place your bet and hope for the best. Will the hardhead minnow become endangered? Will the owls disappear? How far will those yellow star thistles spread? The Forest Service would give the odds, you place the bets and everyone rakes in the bucks! I give the Yosemite toad better than even odds! A website could be developed where people from all across the world could contribute to the Secure Rural Schools Reauthorization fund by betting on the come. There could also be a modification of this idea by allowing public bidding for the opportunity to eliminate a species. “Be the last one on your block to shoot a spotted owl. Place your bid now… and there will be no net loss in NFS acreage as a result of this proposal!”
11. Extort money from permittees and adjacent lands owners. “It sure would be a shame if that little ol’ forest fire were to race up the hill and burn down your nice little community here…” A few well placed forest fires and the money will be rolling in for the Secure Rural Schools Reauthorization fund. “Only you can prevent forest fires, if you pay up!”
12. Auction off body parts of retirees. In addition to raising thousands by selling livers, kidneys and skin grafts, this could also reduce the amount paid in federal pensions and retirement benefits. Imagine the lives saved. That’s serving people. Cut up a few short timers and watch those financial assets grow!
I know there are many more ways to raise revenue; charge the fees owed, raise grazing and mining fees, use the land rental fees on National Forest lands, get fair market value, end fee waivers, but these are so obvious that I’m sure they have already been ruled out by our enlightened executive and legislature.
Whatever the outcome, I know my fellow Forest Service employees are up for the challenge, whatever the cost!
